what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
