I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
well I can't set my house on fire every night
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
