I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
