This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
