was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
