Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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