I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
