dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
