Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
