Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
