MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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