why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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