Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
