I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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