people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
