using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
