Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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