Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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