i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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