**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
