i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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