god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
