I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
