What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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