I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
