So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize