I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
