The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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