Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
