I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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