You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
