I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
