just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Randomize
