her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
