dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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