Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
