Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
