When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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