I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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