okay pat passed out under dana's car
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
