She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize