true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
