and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
