I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
