I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Randomize
