I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize