You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
