Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
