Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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