His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Even my vagina gasped.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Randomize
