I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
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