I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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