Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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