the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
