I bet he comes in French.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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