my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
