if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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